(Disclaimer: There are many grammatical errors in the following post and it is somewhat poorly written, but the ideas needed to be spewed out in some fashion and I'm too busy to go through and edit this crazy mess of thoughtage.)"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living"
This is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books. The reason I like it so much is because I feel as though I can relate. I always want to do so much, be so many places, experience as much as I possibly can. This attitude gets tiring, however, because it's a constant let down. It's just not humanly possible to live a multitude of different lives. I've also learned that when you do try to live different lives you miss out on all the experiences buried deep down in a life; experiences that can only come from living one single life to the absolute fullest. This may sound like a bunch of hullabaloo, but I'll try to further expand in as close to a comprehensible manner as I can manage.
This year has seemed like the longest year of my life, yet it has gone faster than any other year of my life. I feel as though I've tried to live a multitude of different lives and in a way I have. I've gotten to experience a small private school and dorm life. I've also gotten to experience living downtown by myself. I've worked like mad, I've filmed like mad, I've studied like mad and in return have gone mad in a way. Mad for life, love, friends, family, adventure. I want it all. I have learned, however, that it is difficult to have it all, especially when you are constantly hopping from place to place in order to find it. I feel as though I've never succumbed to so many cliches before.
You can't have it all. Pursue your dreams! Good things come to those who wait. You can do anything you set your mind to. Many have proved themselves to be true and many have proved themselves to be mere words.
I've not accomplished exactly what I had hoped to accomplish by the end of this year. Now I know this may sound contradictory but I am not someone who creates expectations but rather I formulate ideas and come to a general consensus on things. This year I formulated an idea of who I wanted to be and who I thought I would end up being by the end of this year. One thing I thought I'd be was extremely well read and collegiate. In actuality I have not had any time to read a single one of the books on my list for this year. Last semester I was at least required to read books which were fairly decent. This semester, however, not a single one of my classes required reading of any sort of real book. I have also failed on the whole collegiate thing. I am not any of the definitions of any type of college kid. I have not gotten extremely into school, or partying, (which is good!) or anything much about college.
I also thought I'd have an ultra long list of fantastic blog posts that describe this year's journey more in depth and this I regret the most, but time did not allow for such things. I just couldn't manage to put my hectic life on hold in order to write about life; kind of a funny thought. I can't think of any other examples of who I thought I'd be because they've all disintegrated with who I had to be in order to thrive and make it through this year. I do think that someone can chose who they want to be, but sometimes a situation chooses for the person. What I mean by this is that everyone needs to adapt to their surroundings in some way. For instance working for over 20 hours a week and taking 18 credits has shaped me into a very tough individual and one who is better at time management strictly because I have to be that way now. I often wish I had more time to do leisurely things like write for fun and go on walks and just sit and contemplate life, but I know that things have to get done. I occasionally miss the lolly-gagging, head up in the clouds, crazy kid I am when I don't have to worry or rather focus on things of "great consequence". For awhile I was worried the whimsy in me had died, but one day off of work was all it took to make me realize that it could never die and that I can easily revert back into that mode...no, not mode; my true spirit! I've now been learning how to bring a little bit of whimsy to work with me. (I make sure to put some in my purse before heading out.) Besides children's museums require such things!
My last post kind of reflects the serious layer that I had acquired last month from too much work and too much of a practical attitude. I've given myself a good talking to and have shaped up. I refuse to major in something I don't extremely enjoy just to get a degree quicker. I have chosen a different path already and one I'm willing to stick with because I think I've finally concluded the ideal career for me! Art therapy. It's the one that I would really, really like to pursue. I kind of had thoughts about it at the end of senior year, but the thoughts dissipated upon the thought of an exciting and "cool" major like film. I still enjoy film, but like I said in my other post I want to help people. Like really help people, directly. I think art therapy is still quirky enough for me and it offers numerous possibilities and I think I'd never get bored with it. I may just also be transferring again. I will not state where, but right now it is a very high possibility. It will be the last time though!
I am quite different than how I thought I would end up after this year. I won't complain though with who I've turned out to be. I've learned a lot a lot and I know I have a lot more to go. I mention earlier that I've not accomplished exactly what I had hoped to accomplish by the end of this year. Though I've not accomplished exactly what I thought I would I've still accomplished a lot. I may not always understand why things happen or how I got to where I am, but I'm ok with that. I also know that I can only do so much planning on my own. Two of my favorite verses in the bible; both from Proverbs are more applicable to me than ever before. Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I love the idea that even though I may plan my life one way, the Lord is taking me where He needs me and where I really ought to be. I may not understand it right now and I probably won't understand it fully until I get to Heaven, but I'm perfectly OK with that. Excuse my obnoxious attempt at depth, but I've always attempted to come up with catchy titles for all of my blog posts, but this time I purposefully titled this post (untitled) because that's how I feel about my life right now. It's untitled. Yup.
Proverbs 20:24 "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"
that's such a scary thought... that attempting to live many lives makes you unable to experience the deepest part of living one single life. I'm no fan of life, it can be shitty, but sometimes I wish we had multiple go's at it.
ReplyDeleteWHERE are you thinking of transferring?? you can't throw that out there and then not say!!
and you need to teach me how to manage my time better, i wish i could flip from organized to whimsical on command :)
Kath, You and I seem to have had some very similar experiences this past year. You've really hit on some points that I too have been thinking about!
ReplyDeleteThe comment that Sara discussed really resonated with me. I also wish we had multiple go's at life. sometimes I wish that I could have 2 or 3 separate lifetimes, to pursue each passion to its fullest.
unfortunately, that's not the case.
sometimes, I guess this makes sense in a cosmic sort of way, because if we were allowed multiple lifetimes, perhaps we'd take time for granted.
but, who knows, really. I've blabbered enough.
at any rate, I am thankful you posted this blog, because I could definitely relate!