(Untitled)

(Disclaimer: There are many grammatical errors in the following post and it is somewhat poorly written, but the ideas needed to be spewed out in some fashion and I'm too busy to go through and edit this crazy mess of thoughtage.)

"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living"

This is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books. The reason I like it so much is because I feel as though I can relate. I always want to do so much, be so many places, experience as much as I possibly can. This attitude gets tiring, however, because it's a constant let down. It's just not humanly possible to live a multitude of different lives. I've also learned that when you do try to live different lives you miss out on all the experiences buried deep down in a life; experiences that can only come from living one single life to the absolute fullest. This may sound like a bunch of hullabaloo, but I'll try to further expand in as close to a comprehensible manner as I can manage.

This year has seemed like the longest year of my life, yet it has gone faster than any other year of my life. I feel as though I've tried to live a multitude of different lives and in a way I have. I've gotten to experience a small private school and dorm life. I've also gotten to experience living downtown by myself. I've worked like mad, I've filmed like mad, I've studied like mad and in return have gone mad in a way. Mad for life, love, friends, family, adventure. I want it all. I have learned, however, that it is difficult to have it all, especially when you are constantly hopping from place to place in order to find it. I feel as though I've never succumbed to so many cliches before.

You can't have it all. Pursue your dreams! Good things come to those who wait. You can do anything you set your mind to. Many have proved themselves to be true and many have proved themselves to be mere words.

I've not accomplished exactly what I had hoped to accomplish by the end of this year. Now I know this may sound contradictory but I am not someone who creates expectations but rather I formulate ideas and come to a general consensus on things. This year I formulated an idea of who I wanted to be and who I thought I would end up being by the end of this year. One thing I thought I'd be was extremely well read and collegiate. In actuality I have not had any time to read a single one of the books on my list for this year. Last semester I was at least required to read books which were fairly decent. This semester, however, not a single one of my classes required reading of any sort of real book. I have also failed on the whole collegiate thing. I am not any of the definitions of any type of college kid. I have not gotten extremely into school, or partying, (which is good!) or anything much about college.

I also thought I'd have an ultra long list of fantastic blog posts that describe this year's journey more in depth and this I regret the most, but time did not allow for such things. I just couldn't manage to put my hectic life on hold in order to write about life; kind of a funny thought. I can't think of any other examples of who I thought I'd be because they've all disintegrated with who I had to be in order to thrive and make it through this year. I do think that someone can chose who they want to be, but sometimes a situation chooses for the person. What I mean by this is that everyone needs to adapt to their surroundings in some way. For instance working for over 20 hours a week and taking 18 credits has shaped me into a very tough individual and one who is better at time management strictly because I have to be that way now. I often wish I had more time to do leisurely things like write for fun and go on walks and just sit and contemplate life, but I know that things have to get done. I occasionally miss the lolly-gagging, head up in the clouds, crazy kid I am when I don't have to worry or rather focus on things of "great consequence". For awhile I was worried the whimsy in me had died, but one day off of work was all it took to make me realize that it could never die and that I can easily revert back into that mode...no, not mode; my true spirit! I've now been learning how to bring a little bit of whimsy to work with me. (I make sure to put some in my purse before heading out.) Besides children's museums require such things!

My last post kind of reflects the serious layer that I had acquired last month from too much work and too much of a practical attitude. I've given myself a good talking to and have shaped up. I refuse to major in something I don't extremely enjoy just to get a degree quicker. I have chosen a different path already and one I'm willing to stick with because I think I've finally concluded the ideal career for me! Art therapy. It's the one that I would really, really like to pursue. I kind of had thoughts about it at the end of senior year, but the thoughts dissipated upon the thought of an exciting and "cool" major like film. I still enjoy film, but like I said in my other post I want to help people. Like really help people, directly. I think art therapy is still quirky enough for me and it offers numerous possibilities and I think I'd never get bored with it. I may just also be transferring again. I will not state where, but right now it is a very high possibility. It will be the last time though!

I am quite different than how I thought I would end up after this year. I won't complain though with who I've turned out to be. I've learned a lot a lot and I know I have a lot more to go. I mention earlier that I've not accomplished exactly what I had hoped to accomplish by the end of this year. Though I've not accomplished exactly what I thought I would I've still accomplished a lot. I may not always understand why things happen or how I got to where I am, but I'm ok with that. I also know that I can only do so much planning on my own. Two of my favorite verses in the bible; both from Proverbs are more applicable to me than ever before. Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." I love the idea that even though I may plan my life one way, the Lord is taking me where He needs me and where I really ought to be. I may not understand it right now and I probably won't understand it fully until I get to Heaven, but I'm perfectly OK with that. Excuse my obnoxious attempt at depth, but I've always attempted to come up with catchy titles for all of my blog posts, but this time I purposefully titled this post (untitled) because that's how I feel about my life right now. It's untitled. Yup.

Proverbs 20:24 "A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?"

"Life-FAH!"

I have not blogged for an awfully long time. I honestly have not been able to find time to actually sit down and write. I also haven't even been able to write in my journal. It is spring break and I am currently sitting at my parent's house without any immediate duties. It is splendid. I don't exactly know where to take this blog post right now...it most likely will not have any clever theme or extreme wit. I apologize in advance. It will, however, hold somewhat of an update on what my life has been like since I last posted. (The update will also be an undercover attempt at justifying why I have not blogged in over a month.) I feel awfully vain when I do "updates" and I feel as though the updates are also slightly in vain for I know I do not have a large fan base or anything like that, but I do prefer it that way. I'm sure I have stated this a multitude of times, but I blog for therapeutic reasons and the update will be nice to look back on a few months from now when my life will once again most likely be different in many a way.

Part of the reason I have been so extremely busy is because I got hired to work at the Betty Brin Children's Museum in downtown Milwaukee. I work anywhere from 20-30 hours a week. This is on top of my 18 credit class load which includes a production class and a lab. So I'm really quite busy, but it's a good thing. I enjoy being busy...to a certain extent. It's good, however, to know all of this hard work is paying off; I'm working towards my goal of graduating early and not being in extreme debt when I do graduate. Even though I don't get paid all that much I really couldn't have asked for a better job. It gets a little crazy, but each day is different and I like the variety. It's also a ten minute walk from my apartment and on the days where I accidentally oversleep and rush to put on some clothes, it's a 7 minute jog and occasionally a 4 minute sprint. It's also quite lovely being able to look out onto Lake Michigan as you're walking around picking up golf balls in "Raceways" or tidying up the "artist's studio". I actually enjoy sorting produce in the miniature play Sendiks at the museum, even though it's a never ending cycle. For as soon as you place that banana in it's proper location you know it's going to end up over by the deli.

I've also been having an enjoyable time in school. It's difficult, but definitely fun. I take modern dance, a class about the Milwaukee Community and a Mechanical Engineering class. I also have three film classes; a production class, a conceptual experimental film class and another conceptual class in which we analyze ideas such as "mise-en-scene", "montage" etc. I LOVE them all! One thing I learned this semester is that I could definitely spend the next three years of my college career in film, for it has become an even stronger passion than before I started the semester. I also learned, however, that it is EXPENSIVE and extremely time consuming. Expensive and time consuming do not go hand in hand. In order to pay off the dues of film (Kodak B&W tri-X etc.) you need to work...a lot. But when you don't have time to actually work you can't pay it off. If in my life time it was only myself I had to be concerned with, film would definitely be doable and something that I would invest my time and money into if I was able to use it as an outreach tool such as working in documentary. BUT I really, really want a family someday (By someday I mean 6-7 years down the road...) and I truly don't think it would be possible to commit myself to film and have a family. Some might say, well if you don't want a family for awhile why not just do film now? I've also decided that even though I love film I'd rather work directly with people. I'm happiest when I am outside of myself meaning I feel best when I can totally put aside my own wants, needs etc. and really focus on the needs of others which is why I have decided to major in Community Education and minor in psychology with the plans of going into an urban education program and getting my masters in Education which I hope to use working in the education department of a museum someday.

Community Education is also a very flexible degree so I can still take a lot of electives which means I can still take the conceptual classes which I love and are much cheaper than the production classes. I will definitely miss the production classes though. BUT I won't miss the Bell and Howell Filmo 70 DR! That thing is wicked! It weighs a good fifteen pounds and is a clunky little *@#! with no reflective lens which means I have to look through a viewing lens rather than just being able to look through the same lens which I'm actually filming with. As I'm typing this, though, I feel kind of bad for ripping on it...I guess I will miss it more than I thought. I kind of feel as though it was an unruly beast whom I learned about and tamed to produce well exposed 16 mm film, but I can also contribute that to my handy dandy sekonic. Oh I shall miss them all!

Wow...that was an awfully long post. I probably could have devided that up into three or four separate posts, but then again I have so many more things to blog about! I'm hoping to get back into the habit of it and at least blog for the remainder of spring break (which is quickly dwindling! Oi...)

p.s. The title doesn't have much relevancy other than this is how my "life-FAH!" has been lately...if you're wondering what this exactly sounds like when you say it out loud or where it came from watch this vid; you can do a hearing version of eye-spy to find it, so in other words ear-spy. "My Rollercoaster" by Kimya Dawson (aka Killing it awesome). Check it.

No one sees me write this blog.

The other day I was waiting for the bus as I do every morning. Often times when I am waiting for the bus Weezer comes on shuffle; which is nice. I like Weezer...a lot. That particular morning the song was, "In the Garage". My mind automatically started changing the lyrics to make them applicable to my life. This was the product...it doesn't really work with the music...

I've got my Morton's List.

I've got my 30-sided die.

I've got Safran Foer

And Salinger too

Waiting there for me.

Yes I do, I do.

I've got posters on the wall,

My favorite rock group, The Beatles

I've got Paul McCartney

I've got Ringo Starr

Waiting there for me.

Yes I do, I do

[chorus]
In my apartment, I feel safe.
No one cares about my ways.
In the apartment where I belong.
No one sees me write this blog.
In the apartment.

I've got a Dell Laptop
I play my settlers Catan (online).
I write these stupid words
And I love every one
Waiting there for me.
Yes I do, I do.

[chorus]

In the apartment. Neaarrah!

[chorus]

In the apartment, I feel safe.
No one laughs about my ways.
In the apartment where I belong.
No one sees me (x4)

No one sees me write this blog.

The real lyrics of this song I felt pertained very nicely to this little gem of a film. Check it.

NPR

Why hello blog!

Sorry I have been kind of ignoring you for the majority of February...

Well actually it's been more like having to put you aside...

I didn't really want to stop writing on you but life has been awfully crazy...

You know how it goes...

Yep. I kind of personify my writing mediums. In fact many of my journals have been named. I went over a couple of my journal entries from a few years ago and laughed at the holas and gutentags that began each entry and goodbyes that ended each one. I feel better giving something I confide in human like qualities; it all feels much more personal. I guess blogs don't really need to be entirely personified because they aren't exactly personal, but I just can't help apologizing for neglecting it. Life really has been crazy these past few weeks and not entirely the, "I went to the diner in funky clothes at three in the morning just for the heck of it!" kind of crazy; which is a good kind of crazy. These past few weeks have been more like, "I feel like I've fallen into an alternate universe where nothing is as it should be..." kind of crazy; which is a bad kind of crazy.

I blame it all on myself and my laziness though so I guess I really shouldn't state this craziness as "falling into an alternate universe." but rather as, "Much of what has occurred these past weeks have been crazy because I've let it become crazy..." I know what I need to do in order to keep my life on track. Drink tea. Get to bed before 11. Workout. Journal. Blog. Eat my fruits and veggies. Read my bible. PRAY. All things that are really quite simple in the grand scheme of things and awfully enjoyable.

I've begun to get back on track tonight by just chilling and talking to a very good friend of mine on the phone. We talked about how life has seemed so strange lately. It's so wonderful to have someone who can relate to even your most abstract sentiments and understand what you mean even when you are barely able to articulate it in any comprehensible manner. She and I are very much alike; I guess we do share similar blood being cousins and all :) We decided to do something that scares us every day from here on out. She said even as something as small as putting bananas in your cereal. (Which she did the other day and now loves.)

I've also been listening to NPR for the past hour. Boy do I love NPR. I can't believe I used to turn it off and put in Mates of State (They are awesome though...) while driving to school with my dad back in High School. I kind of wish I would have been more considerate and actually let him listen to it more often because I actually really really like it. I miss those car rides. I think one of these days I'm going to hop a bus home late at night sneak into my parent's house and just ride to school with my dad and then hop a bus back home. Yes! I like this idea very much. I'm going to do it next week. I'm excited! Anyhow NPR is awesome. There was one particularily interesting segment tonight with either a woman named Stephanie who was a nun or who was once on the verge of becoming one, I can't quite recall exactly but at one point in the interview she was describing a conversation she had with a priest who told her,

"You don't believe in resurrection Stephanie...you don't love your life."

He continued by saying that resurrection is not something in the future that happens after crucifiction but during it...and in a broader sense it's something that happens during the difficult times of life.

She said that this conversation changed her entire outlook on her faith and Christianity in general and she began to see life and focus on living.

I would have to listen to the interview once again to get a better grasp of this concept, but I think it is definitely an interesting thought.

I am very excited to continually listen to NPR with my meals each day and gather all sorts of interesting little tid-bits.

Until next time blog,

Kath.

"Made the bus in seconds flat..."

I think I would like to be a city bus driver. I think I would like that a lot...at least for a little bit.

I've been thinking about this for the past few days and decided for sure today after riding the bus home from the Milwaukee Public Library which is absolutely fabulous! I got my library card (which is actually quite a process) but nonetheless I now have more books awaiting me thus, ironically, less productivity. I just want to live in a library sometimes but sometimes I also want to be a bus driver.

SO, after I left the library I was riding the bus and decided to go ipod-less for once. I'm very glad I did because it is so nice hearing other people's conversation sometimes. The bus is the best place for this type of thing. The other day I heard two guys talking about philosophy, music and life. It was quite a lovely conversation to eavesdrop upon, but it was no where near as entertaining as the short convo I heard this evening.

Two guys got on the bus and the first guy who had a mini fro complained to the bus driver

"The barber took too much off! It's nearly all gone!"

(He still had quite a bit of hair on his head, however.)

The guy behind him, who was maybe in his late forties early fifties, had long shaggy hair and said,

"I'm not cutting my hair till the war ends. It's going to be as long as Jesus Christ's."

The bus driver was chatting back and forth with these two men the whole time. I sadly couldn't hear his voice though because it was so deep that it was inaudible to my ears.

The man with the long hair continued his proclamation with, "I'm a writer."

There's so many people's lives on this world I want to know more about! Sometimes I marvel in the idea that I might not even know that much about the lives of people I see every day, my parents and sometimes even close friends. It's sad, but there really is never enough time to intimately get to know the extreme multitude of people I'd like to get to know.

People are just so interesting.

Home.

In two of my posts for January I talk about storytelling and other forms of it inspiring various mediums; songs translated into literature, literature translated into film etc. The following is strictly fictional. Tenses are screwed up, characters vague and grammar pretty much non-existent. But it's awfully fun to take songs and make short vignettes out of them.

She often contemplates running. Not just the I feel like going for a run today type of running, but more like the I want to get away from here type of running. Running to anywhere but where she currently is. No matter how content she is. No matter how perfectly she fits into her surroundings. No matter how many people in her area love her. She wants to run. Selfish? Yes. She blames it on all of that literature she read as a child about people running off and finding themselves. She even goes so far as to blame The Box-Car Children. Homecoming by Cynthia Voigt was also a trouble-maker. The list grew with her years and extended into cliché and non-traditional novels alike. Who knew that the stable trait of book-worm would create a ravishing instability; a constant desire to get a way from “it” all (whatever that “it” might entail).

She takes hesitant steps towards the goal of running. She starts out walking at a very slow pace. Checking the prices of greyhound tickets; reading up on the dangerous cons and excitement filled pros of going all out and hitchhiking. In the midst of her slow pace she stops short. The cause of this pause is a boy. He is the type of person someone would want to run to and run to him she did. Each time they saw each other after being away for only a week at a time she would literally run into his arms. In running to him she momentarily ran away from her desire of running.

Eventually the desire to run came back. Her confusion of whether to stay in the arms of the boy she could hardly dream of running away from or whether or not to run with the incessantly pulling tug of that hardly depleted desire to run off only made her want to run all the more. The confusion was overbearing. He knew about her strong yearning to leave. He neither condemned it nor commended it. Rather when she spoke of it he would shrug his shoulders and say, Do what you gotta do. She only wanted to feel home. Never in her life had she felt at home. She never understood how someone could say, I’m going home now. The word home had no value to her. She lived in a house, she lived in a dorm, she lived in an apartment yet each one of these places had never felt like home.

She one day had a brilliant idea. He should run with me she thought to herself. But then she thought that to even ask him such a thing would be even more selfish than just running alone. He was not like her. He was always able to find contentment in his surroundings. He was always able to feel at home. One day she asked him what he would do if she got up and left. Very nonchalantly he responded, I would come after you.

Well what if you didn’t have to come after me so to speak. Could you come with me? Would you come with me? I just want to find home.

He pulled out his keys grabbed her hand and said Well let’s drive far far way until we find home. Donned with a smile she ran after him into the car. She wondered if he was just going along with this because he didn’t believe she actually had the guts to really leave. They drove for a while and silence sat inbetween them the whole time. When she was silent he knew not to intervene the torrents of her thoughts, he knew not to ask what are you thinking? She'd tell in due time.

After a few hours she looked over at him and she knew at that moment that she could drive forever; to wherever but instead she politely tapped silence on the shoulder and said I'm going to speak now and with silence gone loudly stated Stop driving. He pulled over and even though she knew that what he might be thinking is she gave up or her impulsivity and indecision set in once again she didn’t care. She set her pride aside. It was not important at this time. She came to a realization. She turned to him and whispered, I’ve found home. Home is wherever I’m with you.

you worry too much kid.

My brown leather loafers make me feel so academic. I look down at the book in my left hand and the foreign film in my right hand. I don't belong here. I don't. I smile though. I feel like a journalist in the midst of a protest. A traitor behind enemy lines. For the time being I'll take it for what it's worth. I'll suck the marrow out of this small, suburban college. It's shaping me back to that feisty kid I was in high school. It's making me see corruption and hypocrisy in a concealed, passive way. Everyone that walks past me, as well as my teachers think I want to be here for some reason or another. People have a choice as to what college they attend, so it's only natural for one to assume I'd want to be here. What gets me by is knowing I will soon be in my own apartment decorated with my art, indie rock bands, and pictures of Audrey Hepburn and James Dean.

I'll be an independent city girl in Milwaukee.

This is an entry from my journal on October 12th 2009. It's awfully funny to me, but reminds me that things always work out because here I am typing this blog post at my beautiful ten dollar good will table in my beautiful apartment downtown. The past few days I have been struggling with my stupid class schedule for next spring (which is less than a week away; eek!) and one thing I definitely miss at Carroll is how straightforward and simplistic the program I was in was. It was also very easy to get an advising appointment. This is not the case at Milwaukee, however I just have to remind myself that everything will be OK eventually. I've never incessantly worried about anything school related up until this past year, it's silly of me and it bugs me because I'm the Carpe Diem, Hakuna Matata, "Don't Worry about a thing" kind of girl. I'm sure there will be a blog post in the future of one of my journal entries right now of me wanting clarity in my program and such and I will have found my perfect niche. For now I will just have to keep praying and reminding myself that "Every little thing is gonna be alright."

It's going to be all right, yeah, you worry too much, kid It's going to be all right